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主我主義/Egoist
私さまの日記/My journal
feliscattus
Hey, so I know I don't update much.
However, I am alive. Just writing this, so people know, lol.

I don't often like to admit it when I'm really sick.
Like, I mean really sick.
I mean, I'm normally not very forthcoming about most things.
In fact, no one really knows much about me, besides what I do.
Even my closest friends have a hard time describing me.
"Vicki? Uhm...she's Vicki."

But yes. I am sick.
I don't like admitting it, because people start paying attention to me.
While I do enjoy it when people like me...
I don't enjoy people fussing over me.

Like, even around people like my parents or my friends, I often pretend I'm just fine.
If I feel shitty, I'll suppress it as much as possible.
I flat out lie "I'm fine." "There's nothing wrong."
"...the floor was slippery..."
"...I didn't fall, I dropped something..."

Because, if I tell people the truth, they freak out.

This has lead to problems in the past.
"I just pulled a leg muscle", which turned into a large blood clot in my leg.
"I'm just a little tired", which lead to severe low blood pressure.
"It's just a little cold", which lead to pneumonia, making me bedridden for days.

I...refuse to admit I'm sick.

Today, I was working a gasket onto a jar, and my hands were shaking heavily.
I didn't notice at all.
My mom noticed.
You know, I actually never completely recovered from my bout with Hypotension (low blood pressure) last year.
While my blood pressure rose to a decent point, it never stayed. However, I sucked it up for months. I felt I could deal with the symptoms, and lead a normal life.
So, for the past several months, I've been fighting with the symptoms, saying I'm fine.
The main one being: the light-headedness. It feels like my brain is detaching, you know?
The thing about hypotension, if there isn't enough blood pressure, it's difficult for your blood to travel to your brain. It's why I'm dizzy, and flighty.
I can't focus.
I can't think properly.
And quite often, I feel like I'm spinning.
I'm also incredibly tired.
Blood is what carries oxygen to the brain. If the blood flow to your brain is slow, you aren't getting enough oxygen to your brain. That'll make you sleepy. It can also lead to serious brain damage.
...and death.

I don't help matters much, either.
I have a fucked up sleep schedule, and I don't listen to my bodies cries out for sleep.
Not to mention, even if I spend a lot of time in bed, I don't sleep much.
I think too much.
Very magical thoughts (er, that's normal, though. XD)

I don't eat properly. I mean, I eat 1 semi-full meal a day, and maybe a couple of snacks (usually fruit, on occasion some chips, or something).
It's partly because I get so caught up in whatever I'm doing, I forget that I'm hungry. It's mostly because, if I drop focus once, I might lose that spark to continue what I was doing...hence, the unfinished artwork all over the place (partly why I prefer working alone...if someone distracts me, I might end up just not finishing what I was doing...).

It's hard for me to fully focus right now, anyway.

Like, let's say I am painting a picture...
I had that spark, that inspiration to paint something...
I'm in the groove, I'm going with the flow...
But, then someone stops me, distracting me...
I come back to it...
and I can't get back into it, most of the time.
I go "...where was I going with this?"
It's hard to find that "groove" i had just moments ago.
It happens a lot, for me.

It's probably also why lots of artists work alone.

It's probably also why the stereotype of an artist includes "solitary".

I'm really veering off my original topic, but whatever. I want to talk about this now. XD

I...may seem lonely to people.
And I may say I'm lonely, on occasion.
This loneliness is something I can...toss aside, though.
I'm used to being alone.
When I get lonely, I just push it aside.

In some ways, I purposefully turn off my emotions.
I used to complain about not feeling things.
But, I can't complain, because I do it on purpose now.
I let myself go sometimes, to enjoy myself if I need to.
Sometimes I let go when with friends.
But, most of the time, I keep myself at a distance,
I detach myself from myself.
Disassociate myself.
(some of my dear friends might remember me writing something about someone purposefully disassociating them self. I was basing that on myself, what I do. including the keen observation skills that character has, the personality i gave him was based around me, including the off color humor, odd behaviorisms, and mysteriousness)

I'm quirky. I behave strangely most of the time. I might over-embellish, and be completely insane...but also be incredibly distant. Most of my jokes are a little off-key, some might chuckle, but it's awkward. Very few people guffaw at what I have to say. I try to be funny most of the time, to make-up for my distance.
I sometimes have my moments of extrovertism.
But I generally get uncomfortable when people get close.
But I will surprise people, on occasion. Bursting into song, dancing, spanking, licking, groping.

While I like hugs and stuff, I prefer if people don't just randomly hug me. Personally, I like being the initiator in hugs. I also like to engulf people with hugs, and squeeze them tight. XD

Ugh. I so got a headache.

Anyway.
My dad thinks I should go to the hospital because of the low blood pressure thing.
But I think I'll be okay, even if I'm totally spacey.
I'll go and see my doctor next week, or something.

I really rambled.
I do that.

-Vicki-

PS: I use my Myspace a lot, go check it out. http://www.myspace.com/the_baka_neko

how I'm feeling: sick sick
what I'm listening to: Loreena McKennitt - The Gates of Istanbul

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